“Get The Belt” Parents Don’t Read This!

A truly love based parenting paradigm does not make sense to old paradigm, traditional fear-based parents (authority/dominance vs love/influence). In fact, it looks almost insane. As in, “you have got to be out of your mind Post”! But if we look at the world, we can hardly say that old paradigm, traditional, conventional, typical parenting approaches do much for building a peaceful world. Some say, “when I was a kid, I got a good whipping when I did wrong and I turned out alright”. When I listen to the media, I wonder how alright alright really is? In addition, you who turned out alright weren’t abandoned at 2 years old by a drug addicted mother, no father to speak of, and missed the most critical first 3 years of bonding and attachment with your parent. If you had a dad to whip you, you at least had a dad. Besides, once you have been punched in the eye by your 17 year old adopted son, you get the sense that this is not your ordinary child raising.

Typical kids roll their eyes, whine, complain and eventually do what they are told. Traumatized kids may punch you or worse. And you are lucky if they ever do what they are asked at times, at least without a world war. Even if you win you loose. I’d rather switch than fight. Here is a more typical traumatized situation, and some very non-typical guidance. It may give you something to think about. Remember, if you loose the relationship, you have no influence. If you’ve lost that— you’ve lost everything.

Dear Bryan—  Our 17 year old son is failing in school partially because he refuses to go part of the time and partially because he refuses to work.  The school has been very accommodating, but he has refused any alternate ideas offered.  I try to spend ten minutes with him each morning, waking him and being as pleasant as I can.  At night, he lays in his room and plays Game Boy or reads as late as he can.

Friday night, because we won’t buy him a class ring until he passes three semesters, he left the house at 6:30 p.m. with one girl and came back after ten and announced he was spending the weekend out of town with another girl.  He ignored our requests to not go.  He returned Sunday night as if he had just been out for a walk.  He acts like we owe him service, video game, and TV time.

Our 15 year old daughter complains because we “let” him do what he wants.  Tonight she is not home yet; it is 11:15 and she has a curfew for her probation at 9:00.  She is also back hanging out with a friend who she said is a bad influence.  She was just starting to work hard, so her grades were moving toward F.  Again, the school is accommodating and trying to help her.

It is going to take a lot more than breathing to get through this one.  I feel like there is no way to set limits.  I have considered telling my son he needs to pay rent if he is going to refuse to follow rules.  He doesn’t seem to have the ability to work, was taken off the schedule for his last job because he “lacked ambition.”  —Mom and Dad

Hello, Mom and Dad—  Here’s the hard part about the task you have taken on raising your children: You have to stop taking personally their life process and many of the decisions they shall make. The two of you have done a wonderful job by these children, but you often forget where they came from, what their earliest working blueprints are, and what their unconscious motivations might be.

Secondly, when one is acting out and another threatens to do the same, your anxiety rises even higher. Rather than getting upset with your daughter, remind her that she is very capable of making the same choices as her brother, and not only will the two of you be hurt, but she will most likely not be happy with where she ends up. Encourage her to do the right thing, but give her the option to do otherwise. Remember, she is going to do what she wants anyway; don’t create a dynamic where you are fueling her emotional state. Influence rather than control, maintain the relationship, and trust the process.

As for your son, it’s much the same; charging him to pay rent will only cause him to move out. The two of you have come so far with this kid, but remember 17 is still only 17 and there are still many years left for you to influence his life! You are in a scary place now, but is it that much more scary than where you have been in the past? So far you have kept these kids in school, and though they are failing, at least they make the effort to attend. They are not serious alcoholics, drug addicts, or depressives. Look at their history; it’s all there if that is the path they take, but I believe your influence will be greater. Don’t allow your fear to push them away. Work with what you have in the moment, today. And Always keep the door open. Always. —B.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
— Master Yoda- Star Wars Episode I

Have a Calm and Peaceful Day.

David

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It? Post offers a radical new understanding of difficult children – adopted, foster, diagnosed, biological, or grandchild. The Post Institute has helped families and professionals move from fear to love in their struggles with challenging behaviors such as defiance, disrespect, self-mutilation, cutting, hoarding or gorging food, stealing lying and more! This free book can get you started – see your child’s behaviors in an entirely different light and learn how to apply this approach. A truly love based family-centered model for many behaviors and diagnoses.

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for Daily Dose of Parenting Oxytocin, Special Discounts, Offers, Videos, News and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes!

                  

Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want Serious Help — Seriously? This may be the answer you have been praying for. There really can be peace in the family with your child. Bryan Post‘s Powerful new program is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – The Parenting Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

If you’d like to receive a FREE copy of our Post Parenting Toolbox each week, sign up on our home page. Click on the image here to see a sample of a Parenting Toolbox.

Why Do We Get Angry With Our Kids?

Why Do We Get Angry With Our Kids?

Our 18-year old son has an almost imperceptibly small window of tolerance. It is tiny. Anything and everything seems to push him into anger. We are sick and tired of his angry responses. Give us a break, oh Lord!

To be honest, son only has 3 difficult times during the day: waking up, going to bed and everything in between. But it is the anger that makes us angry. So I begin to wonder, “Why do we get angry with son when we know he is going to respond with anger, and 9 out of 10 times NOT do what we ask –  and even when he does it takes many requests from us?

Is anger the most powerful tool we have in our parenting toolbox? Is it the only tool we have? Is it just the last straw that we run to when all diplomacy fails and we don’t want to start a physical war? What would happen if we did NOT get angry? And why on earth is our anger ok and son’s is not? It’s not like anger sneaks up on us unannounced. Sure, we all have our moments when some trigger throws us unknowingly into a raging maniac (well, at least I have) and we stand by speechless wondering where did that came from? Most times we see the progression, which starts somewhere in our stomach or our toes curl or fingers clench, with flat to irritated tonality, volume increases (if it doesn’t work, do it louder), followed by repeated instructions, then onto shame, blame and threats. Finally if no action by child, then punishment, get physical touch, grab, shove or worse.

I have my reasons and excuses about being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and after 13 years you’d think son would finally get it that mom and dad loves him, etc. But what is, is as they say. I with my small parental brain cannot seem to learn or figure out that a storm may be brewing, so I get angry and voila—the storm happens.

Darn that kid, can’t he control his anger any better than I can?

So I wonder, why do we parents get angry? Why do you yell at your kids even when you know that it doesn’t help or heal. Why? If we smart, experienced, reasonable adults can’t control ourselves, how can we expect our traumatized kids with faulty wiring to do any better? What are we teaching our children with our anger? Most importantly, isn’t there a better way, like love for instance? And if we choose to parent from love, how would things look different? I wonder, what if…?

I have  my suspicions about all this, but I’d like to hear from you. Go to our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/postinstitute) and let us know why you get angry with your kids?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
— Master Yoda- Star Wars Episode I

Have a Calm and Peaceful Day.

David

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It? Post offers a radical new understanding of difficult children – adopted, foster, diagnosed, biological, or grandchild. The Post Institute has helped families and professionals move from fear to love in their struggles with challenging behaviors such as defiance, disrespect, self-mutilation, cutting, hoarding or gorging food, stealing lying and more! This free book can get you started – see your child’s behaviors in an entirely different light and learn how to apply this approach. A truly love based family-centered model for many behaviors and diagnoses.

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for Daily Dose of Parenting Oxytocin, Special Discounts, Offers, Videos, News and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes!

                  

Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want Serious Help — Seriously? This may be the answer you have been praying for. There really can be peace in the family with your child. Bryan Post‘s Powerful new program is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – The Parenting Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

If you’d like to receive a FREE copy of our Post Parenting Toolbox each week, sign up on our home page. Click on the image here to see the latest Parenting Toolbox.

On Child Abuse: From Darkness To Light

On Child Abuse: From Darkness To Light
As a society the majority of our fellow members of mankind live in darkness. By darkness I mean unconscious. That level of our being which from moment to moment is outside of our conscious awareness. Unconscious meaning, the years of imprints, experiences, and generational stories, which from a core level, direct our behavior in most waking moments. As long as we live in darkness there will be child abuse. Our society as a whole is marred with traumatic experiences from slavery, to the Great Depression, throughout Civil Rights, Wars, and so forth. Thus, violence and fear live within our very cells. Pulsating, communicating, and waiting until our stress escalates to the point beyond clear and coherent thinking.

Child abuse does not just occur with the poor, nor is it exclusive to the wealthy. Child abuse supersedes all socioeconomic levels and classes, it  penetrates into communities, churches, and bureaucracy. Darkness prevails. It is simple, easy, relatively painless, and requires only that we move around within it, not questioning. As long as there is darkness there will be child abuse. Until we seek light we will not be free of child abuse. The only way to alleviate darkness is through the permission of light. Light is consciousness. To live a life of light we must seek a deeper understanding of ourselves, our history, and the current state of affairs. We must walk mindfully into each day recognizing the imprints of violence and fear from our past and challenge it at every turn so that we will not perpetuate the cycle. We must seek understanding of others, but only after we have sought it for ourselves. Until you can see something within yourself it is impossible to see it within others. At any given moment we must understand that someone is doing the best they can whether it is right or wrong, beautiful or tragic, it is a reflection of their own unconscious and the making of such has taken years and generations.

By seeking to understand then we can see, relate, listen, and comprehend the pain that might be directing another’s behaviors. This requires a surpassing of judgment based on our own beliefs and values. This is yet another challenge to living in light. Non-judgment. Jesus said “Judge ye not, lest ye be judged.” Suspending judgment is not easy. If we can suspend judgment and truly meet another where they are then we can formulate the actions to help them alleviate their own darkness, thus bringing light, thus reducing the possibility for child abuse.

We must fanatically seek education. If what we have is not working it only makes sense that we must evaluate, revise, revolutionize, and advance towards a new knowledge which in and of itself brings light. Seeking education is a painful and challenging journey. To question the generations, perhaps not in every matter, but in the matters of our hearts and minds is difficult. For not only is the seeking and attainment of education pertinent, the challenge only intensifies with each step afterwards. For once you have attained a deeper understanding, a dynamic new education, and a bright enlightening, then you must face the masses. The masses can be harsh, violent, unrelenting, and dogmatic in their dark beliefs. To this point understanding and education are not enough. Not even close. Stephen Covey says, “To know and not to do is to not know.” True knowing brings about action. Action without understanding only leads us back to darkness. Next time you hear another, or even yourself make the common statement, “I know,” question whether or not you really do know. For if you know you will naturally do differently.

Therefore, understanding and education must lead us to action. Not necessarily action that will be accepted or approved, both of which you should not expect, but action that will bring you into light. A light of love over fear. The path of light is fraught with hardship, for love is not easy. Loving ourselves, truly, and others is not easy. Love is not easy. Within love there is hope, faith, trust, perseverance, commitment, and the list goes on and on. These actions are not easy. Fear and darkness are easy.

Let us question our understanding, our education, and our actions. Do they continue to be burdened by darkness, or are they steadfastly moving towards light. Do we as a society truly have the courage to prevent child abuse? The quintessential question becomes do we have the courage to end our own violence, fear, and darkness? When we can answer that question with a resounding and honest yes, then we are truly ready for a Love Revolution. Then we will begin preventing and ending child abuse.

Always Choose Love.

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for Daily Dose of Parenting Oxytocin, Special Discounts, Offers, Videos, News and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute.

                  

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want Serious Help — Seriously? This may be the answer you have been praying for. There really can be peace in the family with your child. Bryan Post‘s Powerful new program is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.
—————————————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – The Parenting Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Biggest Barrier to Parental Commitment by Bryan Post

Never give up. Never quit and never admit defeat. — Winston Churchill

She called me on my cell phone and asked “Bryan,  will you come and get me. I don’t want to be here anymore.” I replied, “Is something wrong? Has something happened to make you feel uncertain or afraid?” She replied that nothing had happened, she just didn’t want to be in this particular treatment home any longer.  In fact, she stated that she would rather be taken to the department of social services so that she could sign herself out. She was after all, eighteen years old. This was going to be her third placement in as many weeks. Typically upon becoming triggered in some form or fashion this young lady would immediately desire to call her social worker and be removed from our program and from care. Occasionally, if neither of those requests seemed to illicit the response desired, she would methodically begin destroying the house.

A fifteen year old young man has been with us for nearly six months. During this six months he has broken expensive windows, assaulted staff and residents, ran away from both home and school countless times, verbally abused school staff, stolen, lied, smoked cigarettes, cut holes in furniture, sprayed graffiti on the school and surrounding buildings, compulsively broken another residents eye glasses on several occasions, thrown food, denied everything, and finally this past week after being denied an ear piercing by his mother on the phone, he hung up and feigned hatred stating he never wanted to speak to them again – and so far has not.

Why am I sharing both of these very challenging situations with you? Because they both, at varying times, have left me feeling helpless, frustrated, ignorant, uncaring, uncompassionate, and lacking commitment. Let’s look at one core dynamic. What element do you think creates the biggest barrier to being full out 100% committed to children that behave like this?

Fear. Plain and simple fear. Sometimes I feel terrified that I am not going to be able to help these children. Both of these children have spent countless years in the system. Both children have spent more than half their lives in residential treatment centers or therapeutic foster homes. Both entered the system at about the same time in life, around age six. Both came from neglectful circumstances. During the times that these children have been in my care, the care of Post Treatment Homes, there have been occasions of fear so great that I wanted nothing more than to give up. When fear strikes, we become rigid, inflexible, we lack creativity and passion and want to not be bothered with any additional stressors. However, I say, I scream, “We will not give up. I will not give up. I must do better, and must be more flexible, more passionate, more creative! When fear is present, we must muster the courage to love more.” Love always wins – but it has to be true love, that is unconditional love.

In the process, I slow down. We do not give up. I do not give up. I say to the eighteen year old, “You are mine now. I am your social worker. If you need something you call me. I determine where you go and you are not going back to residential treatment and you are not going to sign yourself out of care. I want you. You deserve a home, you deserve to feel safe,” as I take her firmly by both shoulders, “You might not like it very much and we will have to go through some really tough times, but we are going to make it. We are not giving up.”

I look sternly at the young man, request that he look at me, and I tell him, “I have hope for you. I believe that you are here for something special. I believe in you. I know that you get scared and all crazy in the head, but I know you can make it. I want that to happen for you and I won’t give up on you. Do you understand?” He nods yes and replies with all honesty, “Really?” I affirm with a strong, “Yes. Of course.”

So now here I am left with my fear, mustering courage, to continuing forward, waging this war in loves name, for loves sake for God’s sake. There are not many in this world that want these children any longer. To this date, my girl is still in the same home for a record amount of time and my boy is getting better by the month  – not the day or the minute— but month by month he is reaching for his future.

If we caregivers, parents, teachers and therapists give up, we loose all opportunity for saving our kids. If we give up, we loose the relationship. If there is no relationship, nothing else matters. If we have lost that, we have lost everything. Relationship builds influence. Influence leads to learning.

Dr. Jerry Jampolsky’s book states it clear – Love is letting go of fear. Courage is the ability to choose love in the midst of fear. It is not easy. It is however worth it.

Always Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for special discounts, offers, videos, news and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute.

                  

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Can there really be peace in the family with my child? Bryan Post‘s Powerful Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-on” Home Study Course is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.
—————————————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting Without Shame, Threats and Isolation – Part 1 of 3

No Shame, No Threats, No Isolation

No Shame: Parenting is hard. Simple, but hard. Bryan Post offers three simple things to avoid in a love based parenting paradigm. I have found these tips to be invaluable as they help keep me from triggering the negative feedback loops I so often get stuck in. Eliminating these three bad parenting behaviors has allowed me to be less authoritative and more influential in my parenting – thereby more loving. Although they are indeed simple to define, they are in my experience difficult to overcome. Mindfulness, discernment, and perseverance has shown me where the potholes lie, and gives me the choice to avoid or step into with my interactions with my children. Seeing where the potholes lie is more than half the battle.

Lets break them down even further into simple steps with benchmarks so we can watch them as they occur, and then make the needed changes to our own behaviors as parents. Often we are perplexed about what we should do, so I offer these “what not do to” from Bryan in hopes that the path of  “what to do” will be made clear. Sometimes it seems that just by cleaning up a messy room or desk is all that is needed to see what needs to be done. So lets just clean up some of our messy parenting habits and see what shows up…

What follows is Part 1 of a 3 Part series.

Today’s lesson is No Blame or Shame as in “I will not blame or shame my child (remember blame and shame smell the same). Would you blame or shame a baby? Of course not. Would you punish a 6 month old? Would you shame a one legged man for falling down?

What is the difference? Often times it is the physical age (not the emotional or maturity level) we are reacting to, and other times it is simply our expectation level (or that of those around us) that causes us to stumble and fall and start shaming and blaming our children. If as I believe, our children are not only “not wrong” for the state that they are in – if you had the history that they have you and I would be doing the same things they do), but they are just struggling to survive as best as the know how – and who could blame/shame them for that?

If you are bound and determined to break free of the old reward/punishment, behavior modification paradigm, here is a next step:

Watch what you say. Look for words like… “What were you thinking? What’s wrong with you anyway? How could you do such a thing? What are you-a two year old? Don’t make me… (as if they could actually make you, but let’s just make them feel like it is their fault that I feel this way)….How could you be…. such an idiot, so stupid… or your particular variety of shaming/blaming words and behaviors (you fill in the blanks).

Good indicators that you are in a blame/shame mode of parenting:

Your voice is getting louder, yelling or screaming because you believe “if it doesn’t work do it louder”;

You are not smiling, happy, loving or compassionate when you speak because you are not at this moment and don’t want to be because you believe that if you are happy and loving you will not be effective or have control (dominance vs influence);

You are pointing your finger for greater emphasis because your words have no influence and, since you don’t actually want to hit you “hit” with your finger — for now;

You are waiting for your child make the first move toward conciliation rather than you – the adult parent, with more knowledge, resources and experience take the initiative because… maybe you think the child is smarter or can better manage their emotional immaturity?

Homework: Be mindful of the words that you use to blame or shame your child. Write them down. Work with your spouse or other children to help remind you and point out the things that you resolve to stop doing when they see it. Then be open to their support. Admit when you take the wrong approach (blame/shame) and try something else (like love, understanding, relationship and influence).

Send us an email and let us know what you come up with this week. Remember this quote from Toolbox #3: It is not just the words that you use, (words are only 30% of communication) but the feeling you have when you say the words, that is most important. Whenever possible, have at least a slight smile when you speak. It can do wonders not only for your child, but for you as it can change your entire state of being. It is hard to be mad and smiling at the same time.

— David Durovy

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for contests, discounts, daily parenting tips, wisdom and inspiration. We will also be posting free audio recordings from our archives. Fill out our surveys and polls and let us know what you think and what you need. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post

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Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Can there really be peace in the family with my child? This is the best of our parent training materials all rolled up into one exciting, do it at your own speed course for dealing with children with Attachment Issues. You will be amazed at the progress you will make once you start working with this program. Includes the new 5 hour course on DVD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 hours of video and much, much more.  You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder. To read more, just click here.

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For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them

Peace or Stress? Mindfulness Tips for the Holidays #6 – Don’t Stop, Just..Slow…Down

Speed Bump Ahead – Slow Down: For many of us, this is a great place to start.  My way of taking two steps at a time going up and down all day long becomes “one-step-at-a-time”.  I simply notice my feet when they hit the ground, trying to eliminate the elephant like sound of my feet on the floor and try to sound more like ninja when I walk.  Immediately my gait slows, I become more aware of where I am going and what I am doing. This means less of ….”I know I came in this room for a purpose, but what was it?” Another aid to lessening the clumsy, the things slipping from hand, the whoops kinda things that sometimes happen. Not only is this its own benefit, but helps with the rewiring of our brain as we referenced in Tip #5. We have included links to the articles below in case you missed the last post.

Slow Down – As our lives get busier, we tend to live them faster and faster. This practice tells you to consciously reduce the speed of things. Notice the rate at which you move, work and exist – then, deliberately slow down whatever you’re doing, even for just a minute. When you reduce the speed you allow yourself to arrive in the moment.  — Frederick Burggraf, The Mindfulness Wheel

The steps that Mr. Burggraf offers in his approach can be used with a different focus each day for living in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness through attending to tasks, we not only begin to pay attention to our actions,  but it also eliminate the clumsy, whoops dropped it, oh darn it type of events as we become more of what we are doing in the moment. How many times have we dropped, kicked, bumped, bit our tongue etc in those moments of non-attention?  Wouldn’t it be interesting if there were none of those moments …

Frederick Burggraf created a wonderful little tool called The Mindfulness Wheel (www.dayonepublishing.com). We will be sharing some of his quick and easy lessons along with other mindfulness  tips over the Holiday Season to help us all stay regulated, calmer, patient and more loving with our special children. Use them; let us know how they work and what you learn from them.

A recent article in the Huffington Post states, “One of the major reasons that corporate America is grabbing onto mindfulness is because the science is there that backs it up. We have evidence that intentionally paying attention with mindfulness is connected to areas of the brain responsible for attention, memory, learning, awareness, empathy and compassion. We’ve seen reduction in activities in areas of the brain associated with stress and fear.”   Wow! This is BIG news and dovetails perfectly with the teachings of the Stress Model developed by Bryan Post. So by practicing mindfulness, we become less fearful, more loving (means more Oxytocin) and can parent our very challenging attachment challenged children more effectively – what a great Christmas gift that is!

Choose to Slow Down.

— David Durovy
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Last Chance! It’s not too late to still get and read the short FREE download e-Book 
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time  by Bryan Post.  Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan’s 4 Point Plan!“Classic” Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don’t let the holidays “just happen”. The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child – and yourself, stayed regulated. Don’t let your anger and frustration or your children’s behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute
—————————————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?Also free parenting videos by Bryan Post on YouTube, and up to date information, discounts, weekly contests Like our Facebook page.

Peace or Stress? Mindfulness Tips for the Holidays #5 – Do Exactly What You Are Doing

Do What You Are Doing: Mindfulness has become so mainstream it has almost become funny. Hollywood throws it in occasionally as you hear something like “be the ball” from Bill Murray or others as they prod someone into enlightened performance or insight. Although all of the mindfulness techniques or practices focus on being here now or do what you are doing, this one zeros in tasks, and not the meditative sitting silently or quietly lost in contemplation or prayer. In fact, a recent article in the Huffington Post states, “One of the major reasons that corporate America is grabbing onto mindfulness is because the science is there that backs it up. We have evidence that intentionally paying attention with mindfulness is connected to areas of the brain responsible for attention, memory, learning, awareness, empathy and compassion. We’ve seen reduction in activities in areas of the brain associated with stress and fear.”   Wow! This is BIG news and dovetails perfectly with the teachings of the Stress Model developed by Bryan Post. So by practicing mindfulness, we become less fearful, more loving and can parent our very challenging children – what a great Christmas gift that is!

Attend Tasks – Be fully engaged in the next task you do, whatever it may be, important or trivial. Pay attention to all details.  Feel every motion. Be attentive, deliberate and focused. Live in the moment of doing.  — Frederick Burggraf, The Mindfulness Wheel

The steps that Mr. Burggraf offers in his approach can be used with a different focus each day for living in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness through attending to tasks, we not only begin to pay attention to our actions,  but it also eliminate the clumsy, whoops dropped it, oh darn it type of events as we become more of what we are doing in the moment. How many times have we dropped, kicked, bumped, bit our tongue etc in those moments of non-attention?  Wouldn’t it be interesting if there were none of those moments …

Frederick Burggraf created a wonderful little tool called The Mindfulness Wheel (www.dayonepublishing.com). We will be sharing some of his quick and easy lessons along with other mindfulness  tips over the Holiday Season to help us all stay regulated, calmer, patient and more loving with our special children. Use them; let us know how they work and what you learn from them.

Choose to Attend Tasks.

— David Durovy
————————————————Advertisement—————————————————

Last Chance! It’s not too late to still get and read the short FREE download e-Book 
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time  by Bryan Post.  Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan’s 4 Point Plan!“Classic” Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don’t let the holidays “just happen”. The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child – and yourself, stayed regulated. Don’t let your anger and frustration or your children’s behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?Also free parenting videos by Bryan Post on YouTube, and up to date information, discounts, weekly contests Like our Facebook page.

On Giving by Bryan Post

The holiday season is full steam upon us and unfortunately what is to be the most joyous and celebratory season of the year is oftentimes the most stressful, painful and chaotic.  I had the divine pleasure of interviewing Myla Kabat-Zinn, co-author of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting back some time ago.  Every sentence she spoke, each phrase and response was full of loving mindfulness and intention. Myla gave openly what she has to all of us listening on the call in such a way that I believe it left us all wanting more. At least I know it did me. A simple gift of her time and effort, given with love, passion, and mindfulness, blessed me that evening. It cost nothing and was worth everything. This holiday (Holy-Day) season want to give you something. I want to give you permission that perhaps you have never been granted. These permissions are for your taking or leaving, give them thought and decide what you would like to do:

1. I give you permission to remember that it is not what is under the tree, but who is around the tree. And if no tree, then just plain who is more important than what.
2. I give you permission to love yourself. To take time for a walk, sit quietly, read a book, or call up an old friend to chat. Taking care of yourself first and foremost will give you the necessary emotional energy and space for caring for others.
3. I give you permission to love your child. To not be overwhelmed, scared and worried about their behaviors for fear of how they will turn out 3, 4, 5, or 10 years from now. Love them today, in this moment. Let tomorrow worry for itself. Our friend Kathy Whitham says it nicely – “Talk less, breathe more”.
4. I give you permission to move quickly but mindfully and always able to stop and breathe in the cool fresh air when the moment strikes you.
5. I give you permission not to buy anyone a single gift, but to rather gift them with your full, undivided, presence for one full hour, or day, whatever you can manage.
6. I give you permission not to feel guilty for not buying gifts for others. Your presence is the most value gift you truly have to offer because it is your time. Time is nothing we can replenish. Each passing moment is a moment lost. If you have a hard time remembering this…
7. Then I give you permission to give your time, thank God you have many moments left, to someone in a hospital or nursing home, who does not.
8. I give you permission to be light and happy, unburdened by the stress of bills and work. Whether you are able to pay, able to work or not, tomorrow is still gonna come and no amount of stress today is gonna make you any more or less capable of paying that bill or getting that work done.
9. I give you permission to set your fear aside, if even for only moments at a time, and let love guide you, fill you, and overwhelm you. Say, “I love you,” from the absolute depths of your heart.
10. I give you permission to right a wrong, even if you were not the one who caused the wrong. We all have the ability to be reactive or responsive. There is so much more light within the individual who seeks to take ultimate responsibility. Love wins.

From our POST family to yours, we wish you a peace and joy filled holiday season when giving your heart is the highest form of giving and loving.

Choose Love,

B.

Last Chance! It’s not too late to still get and read the short FREE download e-Book 
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time  by Bryan Post.  Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan’s 4 Point Plan!

“Classic” Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don’t let the holidays “just happen”. The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child – and yourself, stayed regulated. Don’t let your anger and frustration or your children’s behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want The Best for Your Family and Your Hurting Child? This Course offers the most value for the least price. Yet you will be amazed at the progress you will make once you start working with it. Includes the new 5 hour course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 hours of video and much, much more. You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.
To read more, just click here.
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For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

On The Economy of Our Lives by Bryan Post

On the Economy of Our Lives

Dictionary.com offers several meanings of the word economy, two of which are: the disposition or regulation of the parts or functions of any organic whole; an organized system or method; and the efficient, sparing, or concise use of something: an economy of effort; an economy of movement.

The key to a more regulated and efficient society equally lies within the home, as the home also is reflected in society. When Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”, he spoke a simple truth, one that empowers us to seek to be an efficient and sparing part of a greater whole no matter how inefficient and unsparing that whole might appear to be. We matter. You matter. From within your home you can make a difference in the world. The energy and peace you can create gets pushed forward into the greater universe affecting everyone else. When you are in conflict, your ability to be efficient, sparing and working towards regulation impacts the greater universal system.

If you have ever found yourself in a “I don’t care and I don’t care that I don’t care” (personal economy bankruptcy) state of mind, you know how difficult it is to love someone — especially a challenging child. Karyn Purvis of TCU found that in blood testing exhausted, angry and desperate foster parents, there was a great lack of hormonal chemistry available for self-regulation. And no amount of ” a good talking to” was going to help these parents, unless it was to say “take a week off of parenting, gets lots of rest and nutrition and be of good cheer”. For each time we struggle, we are challenged with an opportunity to grow, to learn, renew and move forward. If you find yourself thinking or saying “I don’t care” and believe it, you have missed a valuable opportunity for growth. If you think or say “I don’t care therefore I must need rest, relaxation, breathing and nutrition”, then you got the message loud and clear. Lesson learned.

Everyone is aware of the stress our economy is under at this time, more debt than income. The whole system is in a state of dysregulation. The parts are working against one another trying to survive. Cellular biologist Bruce Lipton states that in times of stress our cellular system constricts into survival. Yet the bodymind system only knows two states: thriving or surviving. In the past number of years our economic system has worked neither sparingly or efficient and now it has caught up with us.

This is the economy of our lives. The world we live in. We are challenged to be more efficient, more sparing, more concise in our contributions to the organic whole. Save your words during an argument, conserve your energy, move within and listen rather than expend. Save, accrue, and then spend wisely your words and actions of love. Utilize your energy efficiently and sparingly for a time will come that requires it and you will be ready to meet that challenge.

Always Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and discounts. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time CD by Bryan Post – Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan’s 4 Point Plan!

“Classic” Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don’t let the holidays “just happen”. The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child – and yourself, stayed regulated. Don’t let your anger and frustration or your children’s behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Get a FREE download of the e-Book (pdf) as a bonus with this CD! — only $10.95 or just get the e-Book for FREE!
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 6 of 6: How to Overcome Lying by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 5

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 6 of 6: How to Overcome Lying

Conducting a coaching call with a desperate parent one afternoon regarding her five-year old son’s chronic lying behavior, I attempted to explain to the mother The Three Step Lying Solution. Upon hearing that she must, “Ignore the Lie, But Don’t Ignore the Child”, she loudly exclaimed over the telephone, “Oh no I could never do that!” I responded by asking, “Who lied to you?” Without hesitation she replied, “My father used to lie to me all of the time when I was a little girl!”

When a child tells a lie the parent experiences fear. We fear that if our children lie to us they will grow up to tell lies. We may be reacting to past adult experiences such as a dishonest spouse or parent. And a very common feeling is that if our children lie to us then we are not being good parents.

When a child tells a lie the parent must first breathe. Breathing will help interrupt the initial stress reaction. Second, remember that all of the fears noted above could occur however, they are all projections about the future. Stress and fear do three things: Cause us to react from the past; obsess about the future, but takes us out of the present. Worrying about your child telling lies ten years from now will not help him stop telling lies today. In fact, it can make it even worse.

Using The Three Step Lying Solution will help you address the fear and stress your child is experiencing in the moment. Yelling at him will only increase this fear which will then only lead to more lying. You must respond calmly assuring your child that whatever thing it is that he feels the need to lie about is not nearly as important as his relationship with you. Help your child to understand that the only time he is dishonest is when he is stressed and scared. Not in a blaming way, but in an understanding way. This will help him to feel safer when faced with the threat of being honest.

Remember, in your child’s experience regarding lying, the worst thing that ever happened to him is threatening to happen again. Don’t increase his stress and fear by yelling or getting angry, instead practice The Three Step Lying Solution until you have gotten really good at it. By that time your child will be lying much less

Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Weekly Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time CD by Bryan Post – Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan’s 4 Point Plan!

“Classic” Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don’t let the holidays “just happen”. The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child – and yourself, stayed regulated. Don’t let your anger and frustration or your children’s behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Get a FREE download of the e-Book (pdf) as a bonus with this CD! — only $9.95 or just get the e-Book for FREE!
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?