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Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 6 of 6: How to Overcome Lying

Conducting a coaching call with a desperate parent one afternoon regarding her five-year old son’s chronic lying behavior, I attempted to explain to the mother The Three Step Lying Solution. Upon hearing that she must, “Ignore the Lie, But Don’t Ignore the Child”, she loudly exclaimed over the telephone, “Oh no I could never do that!” I responded by asking, “Who lied to you?” Without hesitation she replied, “My father used to lie to me all of the time when I was a little girl!”

When a child tells a lie the parent experiences fear. We fear that if our children lie to us they will grow up to tell lies. We may be reacting to past adult experiences such as a dishonest spouse or parent. And a very common feeling is that if our children lie to us then we are not being good parents.

When a child tells a lie the parent must first breathe. Breathing will help interrupt the initial stress reaction. Second, remember that all of the fears noted above could occur however, they are all projections about the future. Stress and fear do three things: Cause us to react from the past; obsess about the future, but takes us out of the present. Worrying about your child telling lies ten years from now will not help him stop telling lies today. In fact, it can make it even worse.

Using The Three Step Lying Solution will help you address the fear and stress your child is experiencing in the moment. Yelling at him will only increase this fear which will then only lead to more lying. You must respond calmly assuring your child that whatever thing it is that he feels the need to lie about is not nearly as important as his relationship with you. Help your child to understand that the only time he is dishonest is when he is stressed and scared. Not in a blaming way, but in an understanding way. This will help him to feel safer when faced with the threat of being honest.

Remember, in your child’s experience regarding lying, the worst thing that ever happened to him is threatening to happen again. Don’t increase his stress and fear by yelling or getting angry, instead practice The Three Step Lying Solution until you have gotten really good at it. By that time your child will be lying much less

Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

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For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?