Learn to Say Yes.

“Let Me Think About It. I Will Let You Know” – Bryan Post

I see this again and again in my life and the parents we meet. “NO”. When our children ask us for something, we parents are so caught up in our own fears that an almost instinctive (almost but not really) response to a child’s request is NO. Then begins the struggle, especially from our highly reactive kids, to justify, authoritize, dominate, overpower, and eventually say something like….”Now, because you have been so argumentative, ugly, mean, disrespectful and child-like, not only are you not going to get what you asked for, but I will now take away x,y and z, AND you won’t see the light of day till you are at least 35 years old!”

We expect our RAD kids who have little ability to reason things out – age not withstanding – yet we have no problem reacting out of our own fear/stress in an unreasonable way, without apologizing to our children just because we are the parents and if we do not consistently stand by our word (mo matter how unfair, reactive, over-reactive, unreasonable, il-logical) we will do our children an injustice and lead them to think that they can then manipulate us since NO may not mean no in the end – if they fight hard enough or are clever enough to get around us.

Bryan has suggested as a response (not a reaction) to a request is simply to say, “let me think about it. I will let you know”. Whew. Now, I actually get to “think” about it rather than “react” to it. This is so big that it could possibly change the future of the world. Really. And in that “thinking” about it, we can:

• Mindfully consider our own fear vs. the reality of what is being presented;
• Mindfully consider the request outside of the “do they DESERVE this privilege” and perhaps realize that DESERVING is just another conventional behavior modification, reward and punishment control/dominate approach. Many of our special kids will mostly NEVER deserve privileges when seen in the conventional way. They often just do not have the neural or psychological development used to judge such deservingness. So why hold them to an unreasonable standard. If you have any doubt, consider their past behaviors. Enough said.
• Mindfully consider our child’s needs vs. our own needs (since I don’t want to have to worry about you, I won’t let you go…or I don’t want you to fail)
• Mindfully consider that this may be not an “opportunity for a child to earn trust or prove themselves by not messing up” – but simply a learning experience that can occur whether they fail or succeed. Either way, they win. Both ways we win.
• Mindfully consider what your spouse would think – and then talk it out with them rather than be afraid that they might not like it if we said yes – so choosing the easy path of no.
• Mindfully consider a whole host of new variable, thoughts, feelings and emotional baggage that we have been carrying for years and heretofore have been unconscious of and allowed them to control us.
• Mindfully consider that many of our children just simply do not, may not ever or at least for a long while have what it takes to not disappoint us regularly.

The philosopher Aldous Huxley said that experience is not what happens to us, it is what we do with what happens to us. We parents cannot really control what happens to our children. We can however, influence what they do what with what happens to them with our love, our compassion, our wisdom and often just by our presence. These may turn out to be the greatest things we can give our children – and the world. And it may come more often if we learn to just say YES.

An article I read recently about Mindfulness training for incarcerated youths quoted one of the instructors, Vinny Ferraro, teacher-training director of the program who said “If you’re coming in there to teach them something, then forget it. But if you’re coming in there to be with them, to sit in the space with them and be with them in an authentic way, where you’re actually modeling what you’re asking them to do, then the sky’s the limit.”

To read article mentioned here, go to http://khyentsefoundation.com/2012/03/mba-projects-mindfulness-training-for-incarcerated-youth-yields-effective-results/

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
— Master Yoda- Star Wars Episode I

Have a Calm and Peaceful Day.

David
Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It? Post offers a radical new understanding of difficult children – adopted, foster, diagnosed, biological, or grandchild. The Post Institute has helped families and professionals move from fear to love in their struggles with challenging behaviors such as defiance, disrespect, self-mutilation, cutting, hoarding or gorging food, stealing lying and more! This free book can get you started – see your child’s behaviors in an entirely different light and learn how to apply this approach. A truly love based family-centered model for many behaviors and diagnoses.

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for Daily Dose of Parenting Oxytocin, Special Discounts, Offers, Videos, News and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes!

                  

Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want Serious Help — Seriously? This may be the answer you have been praying for. There really can be peace in the family with your child. Bryan Post‘s Powerful new program is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – The Parenting Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

If you’d like to receive a FREE copy of our Post Parenting Toolbox each week, sign up on our home page. Click on the image here to see the latest Parenting Toolbox.

Scared – Who Me? by Kristi Saul-Post

Scared?  Scared?  I just don’t see it.  I’m trying here, but I don’t.  This is the third time I have asked my daughter to get a shower.  And she sits.  And I wait.  And she sits.

I know what’s going to happen next.  If I say it again, she’ll blow up.  “I KNOW, I KNOW!!”  But then she’ll still sit.  And when it finally gets to the point where I have to help her to the shower or raise my voice, the entire morning will go downhill.  She will be hostile – stomp around the house, slam things, stare at me with those coal-black eyes.  I will be irritated, impatient, and praying for the moment I can drop her off to school for someone else to manage for a while.

My amygdala is running wild.  How dare she defy me three times in a row!  Who does she think she is?  I am clearly an overindulgent parent if my daughter refuses to get up after THREE PROMPTS!  WE HAVE TO GO!!  IT”S TIME TO GO!!

Okay, okay, I need to breathe. What am I learning here with the stress model?  Oh yeah, first to calm down, regulate, get myself back together.  Clearly, I’m upset, and probably not looking at things in the best light.  I walk over to the desk and organize my papers.  Sometimes, just doing something cognitive can help me shift….. a little.  Then, I begin to take a look at my own actions, reflecting on the happenings of the incident.  Where could I have done a better job at connecting with her?  Did the fact that I felt so panicked when I realized what time it was cause her to feel scared?  Did I do that thing I hate the most?  Attempting to cover up the stress and anxiety with pseudo-niceness?  “Come on, honey, let’s get in the shower.”  Underlying meaning:  “OH MY GOSH, IT”S ALREADY 8:00AM.  RRUUNNNNNNN!!!!”   Who’s fault is it that we’re late?  That one last smack to the snooze button was awesome, but was it worth this?

I check in with my body, and can feel the tension creeping up from my shoulders to the back of my head.  My stomach is tight, my jaws are clenched.  I roll my neck, hold my stomach compassionately, and stretch my jaw, all the while taking deep, cleansing breaths. (Mindfulness check-in here – the 3 R’s: Reflect, Relate, Regulate)

I walk back to the bed.  I sit beside her.  I pick up her hand and massage her tiny little fingers.  I can feel her relaxing.  She begins to move a little closer, and I rub her head and forehead.  She throws her arm around me, falling into my lap  We sit there together, breathing, relating, feeling the love.

After a few minutes, I tell her we have about two more minutes to snuggle.  She smiles.  At the end of the two minutes, I kiss her forehead and start to get up.  She pulls me back a little.  Okay, don’t panic, it’s okay.  She hugs me, kisses my cheek, and slowly edges to the side of the bed.  In the shower she goes.  I relax.

As I drop her off at school that morning, she looks back and gives me the signal “I love you.”  I signal back, and drive off.  It feels like it’s going to be a great day.

Always Choose Love.

Mrs B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It? Post offers a radical new understanding of difficult children – adopted, foster, diagnosed, biological, or grandchild. The Post Institute has helped families and professionals move from fear to love in their struggles with challenging behaviors such as defiance, disrespect, self-mutilation, cutting, hoarding or gorging food, stealing lying and more! This free book can get you started – see your child’s behaviors in an entirely different light and learn how to apply this approach. A truly love based family-centered model for many behaviors and diagnoses.

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for Daily Dose of Parenting Oxytocin, Special Discounts, Offers, Videos, News and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes!

                  

Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Want Serious Help — Seriously? This may be the answer you have been praying for. There really can be peace in the family with your child. Bryan Post‘s Powerful new program is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – The Parenting Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Biggest Barrier to Parental Commitment by Bryan Post

Never give up. Never quit and never admit defeat. — Winston Churchill

She called me on my cell phone and asked “Bryan,  will you come and get me. I don’t want to be here anymore.” I replied, “Is something wrong? Has something happened to make you feel uncertain or afraid?” She replied that nothing had happened, she just didn’t want to be in this particular treatment home any longer.  In fact, she stated that she would rather be taken to the department of social services so that she could sign herself out. She was after all, eighteen years old. This was going to be her third placement in as many weeks. Typically upon becoming triggered in some form or fashion this young lady would immediately desire to call her social worker and be removed from our program and from care. Occasionally, if neither of those requests seemed to illicit the response desired, she would methodically begin destroying the house.

A fifteen year old young man has been with us for nearly six months. During this six months he has broken expensive windows, assaulted staff and residents, ran away from both home and school countless times, verbally abused school staff, stolen, lied, smoked cigarettes, cut holes in furniture, sprayed graffiti on the school and surrounding buildings, compulsively broken another residents eye glasses on several occasions, thrown food, denied everything, and finally this past week after being denied an ear piercing by his mother on the phone, he hung up and feigned hatred stating he never wanted to speak to them again – and so far has not.

Why am I sharing both of these very challenging situations with you? Because they both, at varying times, have left me feeling helpless, frustrated, ignorant, uncaring, uncompassionate, and lacking commitment. Let’s look at one core dynamic. What element do you think creates the biggest barrier to being full out 100% committed to children that behave like this?

Fear. Plain and simple fear. Sometimes I feel terrified that I am not going to be able to help these children. Both of these children have spent countless years in the system. Both children have spent more than half their lives in residential treatment centers or therapeutic foster homes. Both entered the system at about the same time in life, around age six. Both came from neglectful circumstances. During the times that these children have been in my care, the care of Post Treatment Homes, there have been occasions of fear so great that I wanted nothing more than to give up. When fear strikes, we become rigid, inflexible, we lack creativity and passion and want to not be bothered with any additional stressors. However, I say, I scream, “We will not give up. I will not give up. I must do better, and must be more flexible, more passionate, more creative! When fear is present, we must muster the courage to love more.” Love always wins – but it has to be true love, that is unconditional love.

In the process, I slow down. We do not give up. I do not give up. I say to the eighteen year old, “You are mine now. I am your social worker. If you need something you call me. I determine where you go and you are not going back to residential treatment and you are not going to sign yourself out of care. I want you. You deserve a home, you deserve to feel safe,” as I take her firmly by both shoulders, “You might not like it very much and we will have to go through some really tough times, but we are going to make it. We are not giving up.”

I look sternly at the young man, request that he look at me, and I tell him, “I have hope for you. I believe that you are here for something special. I believe in you. I know that you get scared and all crazy in the head, but I know you can make it. I want that to happen for you and I won’t give up on you. Do you understand?” He nods yes and replies with all honesty, “Really?” I affirm with a strong, “Yes. Of course.”

So now here I am left with my fear, mustering courage, to continuing forward, waging this war in loves name, for loves sake for God’s sake. There are not many in this world that want these children any longer. To this date, my girl is still in the same home for a record amount of time and my boy is getting better by the month  – not the day or the minute— but month by month he is reaching for his future.

If we caregivers, parents, teachers and therapists give up, we loose all opportunity for saving our kids. If we give up, we loose the relationship. If there is no relationship, nothing else matters. If we have lost that, we have lost everything. Relationship builds influence. Influence leads to learning.

Dr. Jerry Jampolsky’s book states it clear – Love is letting go of fear. Courage is the ability to choose love in the midst of fear. It is not easy. It is however worth it.

Always Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post’s FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Daily Parenting Inspiration and more on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often for special discounts, offers, videos, news and whatever else we can pass along to our committed parents and professionals. This is a place to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN prizes! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute.

                  

————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course
Can there really be peace in the family with my child? Bryan Post‘s Powerful Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-on” Home Study Course is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. This best selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start! You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.
—————————————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – Where Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

The Root of Attachment Challenges…Trauma, Trauma, Trauma! by Bryan Post

Many children with severe behaviors such as chronic lying, stealing, aggressiveness, defiance, setting fires, bed wetting, poor parental relationships, etc. are increasingly being diagnosed as having an attachment disorder. Though having a label may initially give parents some relief in being able to identify the condition their child is struggling with, typically it only creates a scenario for frustration, guilt, blame and resentment.

Unfortunately a diagnosis in the mental health profession is rarely a positive thing. No parent wants a child with a diagnosis because it implies some inherent defect of the child. To have your child labeled as having Reactive Attachment Disorder, will typically not bring a parent any heightened sense of relief.

We must begin to understand the children demonstrating such serious behaviors as the ones listed, among many others, have all typically experienced some degree of trauma. Historically, our understanding of trauma has been limited to the horrible experiences depicted in the media, however, trauma occurs in many more situations that we are not even remotely aware of. Especially as it regards small children, trauma can occur through the adoption process, foster care, loss of a parent, frequent moves or caregivers, prolonged illness, divorce, parental depression, automobile accidents, and the list goes on and on. We must understand that trauma is any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. When we have not had an opportunity to cry, talk, scream, grieve, and mourn a traumatic event, sometimes repetitively, that experience has the ability to impact us throughout the rest of our lives.

When a traumatic event has occurred early in a child’s life it can have an impact on the system responsible for helping him to handle stress, respond appropriately to fear, and form lasting attachments with others. This system is referred to as the regulatory system. When this system is impaired it leaves the child stuck in a pervasive state of fear and easily overwhelmed by the seemingly mundane task of daily life. Rather than being disordered in attachment relationships, the child is extremely challenged in the presence of stress within any relationship.

Choose Love,

B.

———- Adult Attachment Disorder Advertisement———-
Help for Adults with Attachment Disorder
Creating Healing for the Attachment Challenged Adult DVD Program by Bryan Post – includes live demonstrations.

Do you know adults who experience marital, financial, or parental stress? Do they have problems with social relationships or compulsive or addictive behaviors related to work, drugs and alcohol, food or sex? Do you know adults who report depression, or uncontrollable anger?

Did you know that the latest research from the field of neuroscience shows that for at last 93% of the people experiencing these symptoms there is a direct link to attachment issues? Adult attachment issues are rarely given the level of consideration needed to pro-mote true healing for adult. If you are working with adults experiencing behavioral health issues, you must have an understanding of how attachment issues impact us, even into adult hood…INCLUDES LIVE DEMONSTRATIONS!

To read more, just click here.
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For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

• www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
• www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
• www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
• www.postinnercircle.com – You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

A thoughtful and skeptical review of Bryan Post’s book

“The Difference Between Happiness and Despair”

This reviewer, both an attorney and adopted mom, gave an insightful, critical and skeptical review of her experience with Bryan Post’s first popular book co-authored with H. Forbes. Here is a taste of her final conclusion:  …”So I gave it try. With our own adopted child, we have seen a night-and-day difference in his behavior which I believe directly reflects the efficacy of the book’s general recommendations. I would recommend reading the book in light of your own experience with your children and trying out some of the scenarios. If it works for you, it’s time well spent. For our child, it was the difference between despair and happiness. My child’s unselfconscious smile and laughter are the proof I need that the practicum works”.   Read the full review here –  Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control…bookscritics.com.

For more of Bryan Post’s groundbreaking radical new understanding of difficult children, read The Great Behavior Breakdown and From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children and visit www.postinstitute.com,  and www.postinnercircle.com.

Test Drive Our Newest Parenting Course! Take our new Parenting Attachment Challenged Children “Hands-On” Home Study Course by Bryan Post for a test drive and see for yourself if there is a better way to parent your special kids www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com

Home Study Course

3 sec ago

Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 1 by Bryan Post

The purpose of this column is to educate and offer solutions to parents, teachers, and professionals struggling to care for children that have been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder.

Having been an attachment challenged child myself, spending time in foster care and then being adopted into a loving home that soon became an angry home, I have first hand experience on how difficult understanding and parenting your child can be.

Before I go into what you can do to help your child, allow me to tell you a little about my story growing up as such a child:

•  I only spent in three months in foster care. However, anytime in foster care is too much time due to the traumatic break which occurs between the infant and biologic mother at birth. For decades the impact of this early attachment break has been discounted.

• It is impossible for me to tell my story without also including my sister’s story because it creates the framework for my life’s work. Let me explain.

Though both adopted before we were four months old, my sister’s life has been the polar opposite to mine from day one. I was carried to term and moved quickly into a foster home, she was premature and had to spend her first three months in an incubator. My mother tells the story that when she and my father first saw me I was smiling. On the other hand, upon seeing my sister for the first time she was crying. Because we now know so much about neuroscience and physiologic patterns, I believe these first interactions established the framework for the relationship my sister and parents had from that point forward. To be continued.

Choose Love,

B.

If you have children – adopted, biological or foster – and would like to learn how to help heal early truama or attachment issues, visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children…
“Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” — Book Review By Literary Litter

There are FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with trauma, RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com, www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com, www.postinnercircle.com and oxytocincentral.com.

There is hope. There is help.

On Love (and Fear) by Bryan Post

We at the POST Institute decided to spend time examining the very fleeting experience of Love. Why do I say fleeting? Truth is love is not that common. To really know love, experience it, share it, sit quietly within it, is something that I believe eludes most of us most of the time. We are familiar with the all too common “I love you” and the quick “love you too” response that is more of a knee jerk reaction than a truly heartfelt expression of what the words really mean. Truth be told, we all strive for it, hope to raise our children in it, and would like to be seen as very loving. In fact, in the day to day we probably even believe that for the most part we are loving. But let’s take a closer look shall we?

I believe that in order to truly understand something, we can best grasp it by understanding more fully its opposite. I was twenty-seven years old before I first realized that I was fearful. Not fearful on a moment to moment basis, but fearful in a way that it was a controlling factor throughout my life. Within a flash I looked back on my earliest experiences, the anxiety, the shyness, the vigilance, all rooted in fear. I have started this year off with a resolution of getting fit. The other day, as I was exercising, a flash of stress trigger entered my body. At first I could not place the source of my stress and anxiety. When I sat with it for a moment I realized the history of the stress trigger was in my fear of failure. You see, I played college football for a couple of years until I finally came to the realization that my dream of becoming a professional football player was more to get me to college than it was to become a reality. My first college football exercise was to run a mile in under twelve minutes. I was young, strong and in shape. Not really a big deal until I started running. I became filled with anxiety. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, soon I started to fear that I wouldn’t make it and would have to run extra during the rest of the season. After a few laps I noticed that several teammates had finished and being a freshman, I wasn’t particularly worried about anyone watching me, so somewhere in the mix of things I feigned completion and stopped alongside the rest of the guys. I never finished my mile; my fear got the best of me.

Such experiences were a significant part of my athletic life throughout school. Though I was by most accounts a dominate athlete, occasionally my fear would takeover and I would be almost helpless. I didn’t realize this until years later while in therapy. Though the therapist was not particularly impressive she did point out to me that I seemed to have a tremendous amount of fear. It did not become fully conscious until another year or so passed and a client asked me what I was afraid of and I was about to reply, “I’m not afraid of anything,” when suddenly it hit me like a lightening bolt, “I was afraid of everything and had been so for much of my life.” After sharing with my client the light bulb she had just turned on for me, I began another round of therapy to examine deeper the fear that I had been carrying throughout my life.

Now you might ask, “Well Bryan, if you are writing on love why exactly are you going into this diatribe on fear?” The point is that if you don’t know what you are afraid of, you will never become conscious of whether the space you are standing in is one of love or one of fear. It is imperative and much easier to be honest with our fear, more so than our love, because our fear is much more pervasive in our lives. Now if you find yourself taking offense to that last statement, ask yourself why? Why is it that we become immediately defensive with things we do not like, rather than just opening and accepting?

It’s because of fear. We are always fearful of encountering new things. It’s actually a scientific finding that when we encounter new things we perceive them as threatening and fearful until we deem them otherwise. If we were holding a space of love we wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t become so reactive, and defensive. We might laugh in our observance of the statement, find it amusing and then move on to the rest of life. But, we don’t. Just like our children’s behaviors. We are so fearful of our children doing wrong, we seldom see the right. It is much easier to see fearful behaviors or actions because our brains are always looking for a threat, as opposed to seeing attempts to survive, or to do better, or perhaps to just do as we’ve been conditioned. (Take a moment to read that last sentence again. I think there is something significant there, which probably deserves another article at some point.)

Love is simple. There have been songs, poems, books, and monuments built to honor it. However, love requires none of these things. Because it just is. My most sincere suggestion regarding love is that you look closer at the roots of your fear. If you can find it, connect to it, understand it, and don’t judge it, but seek to really see it and how it plays out in your day to day experiences, you will then find the space of love. Remember love and fear cannot co-exist. Where one is the other is not. Your ability to see your fear makes it possible to then put it aside and return to love.

Bryan Post
“A humble seeker of love.”

If you have children – adopted, biological or foster – and would like to learn more about how to love more and fear less and help your child do the same, visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children…
“Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” — Book Review By Literary Litter

There are FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com.
There is hope. There is help.

How to Get 4 Hours of Bryan Post’s Solution Sessions for 5 Bucks

We found a bunch of  copies of Susan Kutchinska’s wonderful book on Oxytocin, the Chemistry of Connection, in our warehouse (we thought we had sold out) and decided to offer it AND for the first 13 people who buy they can get Bryan Post’s 4 CD set entitled The Solution Sessions for only $5 more. So for $21.95 you get the book and 4 hours of Bryan in this rarely offered CD set for helping children and parents heal. Paul Zak, the love Doctor said about Chemistry of Connection, “A marvelous book. It brings the science of oxytocin into the service of love in an engaging and practical way. Anyone who wants to understand and improve his or her relationships should read it.” Check it out at http://postinstitute.com/store/books.html.

A public thank you from a friend in the UK

To David Durovy & Bryan Post

Whom sent me copies of Bryan’s books, “From Fear, To Love” & “The Great Behaviour Breakdown”, both by email and hard copies by post.

Thank you so much.

I doubt many people in the UK will have heard of Bryan Post or the Post Institute (http://www.postinstitute.com/) but Bryan is clearly a generous man and a man of passion and a special understanding within his field. All parent’s, whether of adopted children or whether biological parents, should read his books and watch his videos. The world is a better place because of people like Bryan, who truly understands the importance of love, compassion & understanding.  The books are not available through Amazon UK (and should be!!!) so if you are a parent, whether adoptive or not, and want a copy then approach the institute directly.

Amazon UK do have “Beyond Consequences Logic and Control” which is co-authored br Bryan.

I believe the single most important thing for the future of humanity, is working towards a true understanding of our nature, and Bryan is definitely one of the knights on that quest.

Sir, you have my utmost respect and gratitude!!